Fifteen: Bad Mental Habits

         We all have a mental script that dictates the choices we make.  This script is based on family beliefs learned in childhood, on experiences that have made a significant impression, and on personality traits we have.  If this mental script is based on distorted thinking, we can live day to day with a depressive state of mind.

          A depressive mental script is based on repetition of negative stories about ourselves that we recite in our thoughts when circumstances bring them to mind.  For example, a person who has been criticized for mistakes made in childhood may believe he cannot go to college, or be successful, or move away from a poor neighborhood.   Another, who has a difficult time talking to women, may believe he is not meant to have a happy relationship.  Older people who base their self-esteem on the familiar ways of their youth may believe that the old ways were best, and decide that they want nothing to do with technology. 

          The repetition of stories that limit our abilities is actually a bad habit.  We allow ourselves to overgeneralize, which is viewing an incorrect belief, or a negative event as a prophecy.  This type of thinking insists that we must remain in a never-ending pattern of defeat.   Isolated incidents are used to create a bias that prevents personal growth.  A person may interpret the news of a friend’s job loss as good reason to stop seeking better employment.  The recession becomes part of a self-limiting script that prevents progress, and causes a sense of hopelessness.   

BREAKING FREE 

          This poem by John Boyle O’Reilly says it all.  

How shall I a habit break?           

As you did that habit make,        

As you gathered, you must lose, 

As you yielded, now refuse.         

                             Thread by thread the strands we twist,

                             Till they bind us neck and wrist,

                             Thread by thread that patient hand,

                             Must untwine ere free we stand.  

          We must painstakingly undo the snares we create for ourselves.  No laziness, insecurity, pigheadedness, or faint heart allowed!

          First, careful examination of your mental scripts is in order.   A good method is to view them as belonging to someone else.  Is the belief that a good job can’t be found really based in fact?  Is the notion enough to hold you back?  

It is necessary for you to reinterpret the rules that you have designed for yourself.  Two important ingredients that must be added to your mental mix are some self-love, and courage.  What good things do you want for yourself?  How hard is it to do what it takes and go for it?

Stop repeating self-limiting ideas to yourself.  Confront, contradict, and challenge them.  Test them.  Good mental habits, the kind that embrace possibility, and encourage effort, build self-esteem. 

As we think, so it shall be.

Happiness

Fourteen: The Usefulness of Worry

The erroneous beliefs we have about the usefulness of worry keeps us willing to indulge in self-torment.  Many people think that constant worry is beneficial.  We think worrying must help us prepare for the worst, motivates us, and helps us analyze our problems.  We believe worrying must help us avoid negative outcomes, and promote positive ones. 

Believing these myths about worry is like believing in the usefulness of superstition.  There is no truth to it.  Worry does more harm than good.

However, people cling to the fruitless practice of worry as if bad things will happen if they don’t do it.  The fact is, our minds cannot problem solve effectively because we are using up mental resources needed to think clearly.  Continuous, long term worry can become a period of depression.  Dr. Burns in Feeling Good, his book about cognitive therapy states,

“During periods of depression you lose some of your capacity for clear thinking; you have trouble putting things into proper perspective.    Negative events grow in importance until they dominate your entire reality – and you can’t really tell that what is happening is distorted.  It all seems very real to you.  The illusion of hell you create is very convincing.”

Worry is an attempt to suppress fear.  But, the effort and thought that go into worry delays us from doing what we are supposed to be doing – processing emotion.  Emotion is processed by using logical thinking to understand it.  Feeling some emotional pain is normal and necessary, but remaining in that state is not.  Excessive, generalized worrying can become the norm in your everyday thinking.   The sensation of hypervigilance, feeling always on the ready for trouble makes you into a nervous wreck.

Another seldom-admitted reason to engage in worry is, it feels good.  It’s like over-eating.  As you do it you are enjoying yourself.   Then later, you have regrets.  Worrying is a self-indulgence.  Some may even argue that it is a twisted form of self-love because you feel you are standing up for yourself against your spouse, your friends, your acquaintances, the world.  The down side is you are making your mental habitat a darker, colder, more fearsome place than it needs to be. 

One way to stop this practice is to ask yourself if you would want your own child to feel this way.  Imagine the mind-set you would want your child to have, day-to-day, moment-to-moment.  You would want him or her to be resilient, and unburdened, and hopeful, and joyous.  These feelings cannot prevail when constant worry is going on. 

Don’t you want this for yourself?  Don’t you deserve to focus on positive events, interesting ideas, things you want to do, and cultivating relationships with people who belong in your life?  Try to think of yourself as your own child the next time you indulge in negative thinking.  You have the power to enjoy your life.

As we think, so it shall be.

Happiness